Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Crazy Sexy Crazy


About 4 to 5 years ago I suffered from severe anxiety.

I was literally a walking anxiety attack. Constantly in a state of panic.
Anything could set it off...A sound coming from outside, a weird twinge in my body, a depressing television commercial. I was living in a mad house (and by mad house I am referring to my brain.)

Ask my friend Janelle. She knows all about it. She could tell you the story about the time we went to the grocery market to buy a cake, a 5 minute trip at the most, and ended up in a Starbucks bathroom with paramedics asking me if I was taking any illegal street drugs an hour later.

She could also tell you about the time that we were at a party and I was having such a terrible panic attack that I had my mom come pick me up...FROM MY HOUSE! Yes...I couldn't even bare to be in my own house at times.

I can sit back and laugh at the silly things that I did when I was in the middle of a huge panic attack now...because believe me, some of them are hilarious. However, I sympathize with anyone dealing with a panic disorder. It took me a long long time to get a handle on it (and believe you me, I still deal with it on a day to day basis)

There was a point when I thought that things would never get back to normal. I was always going to be a tragic mess. I had given up.


...this one night. I was at home...alone. I had just demolished an entire medium pizza all on my own. I was watching some random show on TLC (the best network ever.) It was roughly 10:57 pm. I was on the cusp of a major melt down. I could feel the tips of anxiety's fingers tapping me lightly on the shoulder.
At this point I couldn't fight it. I would let the panic wash over me until it was unbearable. 

Hot flashes. Cold flashes. Heart pounding. Palpitations. Blurry vision. Ears ringing. Vertigo. 

But then...
Wow...that girl on this show that just started is REALLY pretty. (Something that you should know about me...I have the attention span of a 13 year old boy...which is a.) NONE at all and b.) severly influenced by pretty girls)

I turn up the volume and start watching. 

A documentary. Oh yes! I love documentarys.

...Crazy Sexy Cancer... 

Kris Carr is 30 years old. A photographer. An actress. She is young, beautiful, vibrant. And she has cancer. Stage 4 Epithelioid Haemangioendothelioma to be exact. "There is no stage 5"

In this documentary Kris takes you through her journey with cancer. From the moment when she first finds out, Valentines Day 2003, and beyond. Facing incurable cancer, Kris does the exact opposite of what many people would do. She decided to fight for her life.
She changed the way she ate, she changed the way she behaved, and most importantly she changed the way that she thought. Trying to turn each aspect of her life into something healthy and positive, despite her cancer. 
There were definitely moments in this documentary where she was stressed, unhappy, scared, defeated...but those moments seem to flash by. What really astonished me is how completely happy she seemed while she was seeking out answers. She danced, she cooked, she laughed...she was doing a lot things that I wished that I could do.

Why was this girl. This girl who was potentially facing the end of her life doing things that I, a perfectly healthy human being, couldn't do.

Suddenly...the clouds were parting! The sun was shining! The birds were singing!

And I had HOPE!

No I did not have cancer...I had a bad case of anxiety attacks...BUT the message in this documentary really spoke to my heart. It was a message of hope...

It was also kind of like a message from your mom on your answering maching, "Sarah...Sarah?? Oh this must be the answering machine. Well Sarah. I just called to tell you to get off your bum and get your act together. You are young, beautiful, vibrant...and you have a life ahead of you. So live it! And get back to work...I am NOT paying your phone bill next month!"

I recommend this DVD to everyone. It is truly the sweetest most amazing documentary I have ever seen.


  1. You have come a long way baby!!

    ps....Have you checked out her blog?

  2. Oh yes this was one of the first things I went out and rented when I was diagnosed (after I bought her book) and she was such an inspiration. I'm glad she made the birds sing for you too! lol ok that sounds weird.

  3. Sarah!

    You are delish! Thanks for the crazy sexy love.
    Peace and veggies,
    Kris Carr

  4. girl you are crazy sexy anxiety!

  5. Oh i remember that dreadful starbucks trip. But it was too cute how you went behind the counter and helped yourself to their corless phone. What ever happened to that football cake??