Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A penny for your thoughts...

...I would like my penny refunded.

I have a terrible habit of eavesdropping. Terrible.

You know those commercials with those people who have those fancy ear pieces and they can hear a conversation going on that is taking place clear on the OTHER side of the park? OR even better, they can have the television set on the lowest volume setting and hear it as clear as day without rousing their sleeping partner. I think that my ears are like that naturally. A blessing and a curse. I hear everything but am constantly getting confused with African Elephants.

So consequently I am totally immersed in listening in on the hushed conversations that occur between my minions (Liz & Brittany.)

Now I already think that both of these girls have one or multiple screws loose. But that is just how I like 'em...gives me more power. Muaahaha! BUT today I really am just astounded by the relationship that they have forged and the terrible advice they seem fit to give one another.

22 year old Brittany is HEART broken over events that occurred with her live in boyfriend (who, might I add is in his late 30's, is recently divorced and sounds like he may or may not be a criminal.) Upon her return home from work she found his cell phone unattended. She followed the urge that insecurity cast upon her and went through his text messages and cell phone log. Let me tell you, I would NEVER EVER go through my boyfriends cell phone. If you feel like you need to monitor what goes in and out of your boyfriends text inbox then you might as well just nip that relationship in the bud. There is no trust! Without trust, there is no love...didn't you watch the Moulin Rouge?

Of course, she found the worst. Text messages from his ex-wife. Professions of love and desire! "I can't stop thinking about you" and so on. There were no text messages in his outbox and his call log was cleared.

Upon confrontation, there were excuses of technical phone errors. Exclamations of obvious psychosis on the part of the ex-wife. Denial! Denial! Denial! This guy sounds like your everyday Bill Clinton! "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" (which is hardly believable...they were married once upon a time.)

THEN! Then...there was the advice that was confidently given from the lips of someone who claims "so much experience" with guys like this. Honey, if this is the kind of guy that you attract, your advice would be deemed useless in my eyes.

Liz: "He probably clears out his text message outbox daily. Some people just do that so they don't get messages confused" (WHO! TELL ME, WHO DOES THAT!)

Liz: "He obviously didn't respond to her, you really have no evidence." (OF COURSE SHE HAS NO EVIDENCE! HE ERASED THE EVIDENCE!)

Liz: "If you act jealous he will leave you." (HOW ABOUT ACTING PISSED, AND THEN LEAVING HIM?)

Liz: "How about making dinner, and he comes home to you all dressed up and you guys have a romantic evening. Then you can win him back and he will not even think about her." (HOW ABOUT HIM COMING HOME TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT, EVERYTHING HE OWNS IN A BOX TO THE LEFT {amen Beyonce})

What could possibly be the motivation behind this sort of advice? This guy is obviously a blatant scumbag. He has displayed this scumbag tendency not only in this cell phone incident, but many times before...It would take a fool to see that.

Brittany is obviously still wearing the rose colored glasses that love provides, but Liz...really? Liz can't really believe this. It is preposterous.

I of course will not interject on the conversation (because it would be creepy...I am in a completely other room after all) but I may have to fire Liz on grounds of giving co-workers bad advice.

I wonder how the romantic dinner will go...I predict tears. Poor thing...


  1. Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.