Monday, January 4, 2010


Dear God, Allah, The Big Bang, Alanis Morrisset,

I am having some difficulties with your product, "MAN version 1.0". I don't know if these are technical or user errors, but either way I need your immediate help.

My main concern with the workings of this product is the "sports interest" function. To be honest, I find it completely useless. Personally, I have no interests in sports of any kind, and I find it very inconvenient when my MAN v 1.0 is unable to perform its usual tasks (massage, taking me to dinner, listening to me) when one of these sports events occur.

I have been dealing with this malfunction for quite some time now, however a few days ago it acted in such a disturbing way that I almost disposed of my MAN v 1.0 altogether!

Here is a short synopsis of the events that occured:

On new years day my MAN v 1.0 woke me up hours earlier than my normal waking time. It said that we were going to Pasadena to watch the ducks play. This was out of character of my MAN v 1.0, but I thought this was quite sweet and grabbed a bag of Wonder Bread to feed the ducks.

On arriving to the scene, I surmised that there were in fact NO actual ducks at this location, but rather a group of men who called themselves "ducks." The only duck like creature I saw was not an organic duck but an "Adolescent Man v 0.9" dressed in a felt duck costume. I tried to feed it the Wonder Bread I brought but it was uninterested, so I ate it instead (which completely ruined my carb free New Years Resolution.)

My MAN v 1.0 was acting quite strangely once we entered what I was later told was the Rose Bowl Stadium. It would go from manic excitement to what seemed to be a depressed state in a matter of seconds. This lasted for the entire time we were inside the Rose Bowl Stadium when finally my MAN v 1.0 sputtered into a dark depression and seemed to be in "sleep mode."

After spewing some expletives, which I will not repeat here, about the ducks performance my Man v 1.0 shut down altogether. No matter which button I pressed, it would not return to its normal functioning state. I had no choice but to take it home and put it to bed, at which point it seemed extremely indifferent to my presence.

In the morning my MAN v 1.0 returned to its regular operating state and I have not seen any return of this virus/ spam since. However, I am fearful that it will return.

Is there any way to turn this "sports interest" function off? If not, will you be creating a Man v 1.0 expansion pack that will render this function void?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Faithful but confused user of MAN v 1.0,

Sarah Swift

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