Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Maria...I've just met a girl named Maria.

Well...actually...she was a woman, not a girl...and I didn't JUST meet her...I will get to that later.

Do you ever wonder the impact you have on other peoples lives? I don't. Well I didn't. But last night I did. Anyways...

So last night I went to see my darling boyfriend. We spent the evening chatting with his father (who I absolutely adore) and his uncle. A call came in stating that we were to expect more visitors. An in-law and his friend. Oh joy!

A knock at the door...or did they ring the doorbell?

In comes a gentleman who I have been previously acquainted and his lady friend. It seemed as if the wind was at her back and the stars were in her eyes. Which I took to mean she was on heavy amounts of drugs. It would be an understatement to say that my boyfriend and his father were severely put off by her. But not me. I was enthralled.

In the short time of an hour she went on to tell us about her move to Chicago, a movie that she had written that had never been released, her uncle who had married a stripper and lived in a box car train, her drug habits (which I think she lied about)...The things that came out of this womans mouth were just amazing. I had just met her and she was telling me things that I would not even consider telling my closest friends. It was just astonishing.

I will never see this woman again (my boyfriend and his father sigh in relief.) However, I don't think that I could ever forget her wild hair and shifty demeanor. She has made her mark in my brain and there it will stay.

This chance encounter set the wheels of my brain into motion. In my dazed state right before I crept off to sleep my brain was obsessing over whether or not I had had this impact on some unsuspecting person. Everything that you do will affect someone else. It is inevitable. Was everything that I did going to make people feel like this woman had made me and everyone else last night feel?

Were there people who looked back on the marks left deep in their memory (people I can't even recall?!?) and see me?!? Does the thought of me make them shudder? Have they permanently changed the way they behave or the way they interact with other people because of something I had done or said?

The implications were enormous. I could not bear the thought of it...

And then my boyfriend slipped into bed next to me. I sleepily reached over for his hand and squeezed it 3 times.

I - Love - You

And then there was Maria.

Someone who I had known years and years ago as a child. She ran the barn where my mother had housed her horse and would give me riding lessons. She was adorably sweet and pretty and in my young heart I loved her. She was like a queen. Although we had limited contact, she taught me one of the most sacred secret handshakes known to man. You see...when you are holding someones hand...someone who you love...if you squeeze there hand 3 times you are actually saying "I love you." I remember this moment like it was just yesterday. Me holding her hand, both of us in riding pants and boots, and her asking me,"do you know what that means." Ever since that day I have taught everyone I love this secret handshake. It is a part of me. Marked in my brain and in my heart. I do it without thinking.

But sometimes, I do it with thinking. And I think about Maria. And how one day that we spent together changed my life forever. She passed away a couple of years ago, and she really had no way of knowing the imprint that she left, but I hope that she knows now.

And then I was able to fall asleep without worry. Holding my boyfriends hand...

I - Love - You     


  1. So sweet...whenever I do the I-Love-You squeeze, I always am reminded of Maria.

  2. Ummm I totally have that same secret handshake! I guess it's not so secret!

  3. Wow, she really made an impact! I'm trying to sift through the negative and positive aspects of her presence, I'm not sure, a little fuzzy. How exactly did this woman impact you, or did she just make your skin crawl? You gave her your blog site, so she's probably reading this. Hi, Mariana! What gives?

  4. Paul...if she reads this, then I hope she appreciates my honesty.

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  6. What an amazing take you had on her. Me, I saw a mouth moving. Not much else.

  7. SHE was bat shit crazy...thats for sure.

  8. I have copied and sent it to Gina as I don't think she knows this. Very sweet.

  9. Sarah - It was so great that Kristy forwarded your post to me. I have in turn sent it to my sister.
    I read your post, and could not stop crying. I doubt that you are aware, but today, Jan 26 is the 12 anniversary of her death. My sister and I always spend the day together, and when I returned home, I received the email from Kristy. This is always a tough time of year for us. She was such an incredible woman. There are no words to express the hole that her being gone has left in me. But having read what you wrote, reminds me that she has touched so many other people. She wound up being a Mom to so many.
    I am glad that she shared her "I love you" with you, and that it made an impact in your life. It truly was a staple in my life, and she seemed to pull it out at the moments I needed it most.
    Selfishly, I wish to God that she was still here with us. But I am so happy to know that she lives in the memory of so many.
    Thank you, and by the way...She knows.

  10. So sweet post and what beautiful memories!She really made an impact, and it's so great and weird when things like that happen.
    I quite understand what you mean.I have that shakehand too.
    I have to say that your blog is lovely and you're soo creative!xx

  11. I am so happy that Kristy sent you this Gina!

    I was thinking about her all yesterday and the day before, and I just had to write this.

  12. I absolutely think she has no filter when she speaks, some of her comments were crazy! Thanks for sharing, Sarah.