Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I'm ready for my close up

I have spent a good amount of time among doctors. Why? Because I am a certified hypochondriac. Lucky for me I have some substantial ailments that back my neurosis up. But the truth is I am just crazy.

On the subject of doctors...I have a propensity to say really inappropriate things to them. I don't know where this deep seeded need comes from, but it is alive and ready to run rampant any time I am approached by an M.D.

Like this one time...

I was feeling a little out of it...which I exacerbated into feeling A LOT out of it. So out of it that I was absolutely positively in need of medical attention. To the emergency room I was rushed, my mother by my side. My sister met us there...because...you know...I was dying.

As I was being hooked up to an IV spilling really expensive Gatorade into my veins the doctor finally arrived, and it began. He would ask me a question and I turned into Bob Saget trying to get a laugh out of him. I don't remember everything that I said because my life was flashing before my eyes, and I have a limited attention span but I do remember the doctor asking me if I was possibly pregnant, to which I replied, "I'M DATING A MORMON!"...really loud. Like that explains anything or is even funny.

My sister and my mom were horrified. I was indignant. The doctor was confused...or Mormon...I am not sure.

Anyways...nothing was wrong with me except for a terrible sense of humor.

This sort of thing has happened to me many times. Appointments where my mom will be scolding me afterward, "You really need to think before you speak Sarah." And I agree with her. I really do! I just can't help it. It is like a spirit overcomes me and I am not myself. I am Rodney Dangerfield. 

So yesterday I was going in to have my colonoscopy/ endoscopy done.

While I was waiting there waiting to be rolled into the operating room inappropriate jokes were flying through my head. I was determined to keep them in. I had my lips sealed tight...Really tight...I think that I might have been turning blue.

My doctor asked me what was wrong.

Uh - Oh

NO! I can do this...I can do this..."I am just really nervous"

Lips back to their sealed position.

At which point my doctor informs the anesthesiologist to put me to sleep mid rolling into the operating room...

...and for that 5.5 euphoric seconds right before I entered the black abyss it happened.

My multiple person came running out.

As I we entered into the opperating room I noticed the television they would be using...

"OH! Is this for my BIG DEBUT??!!" (in a voice similar to Lucy Ricardo)

and then...

"I'm ready for my closeup Mr. Deville!!" In my best Norma Desmond voice.

Surprisingly the last thing I remember was a genuine chuckle. So it must not have been that bad.

I am sure that he has heard much worse...I just wish I remembered what I had said when I came out from Anesthesia... 



  1. Bahaha! I bet they love it. Every time I have to give my medical history to a dr. and they ask if there is a history of cancer in my family I always say "well my Dad had prostate cancer...do you think I'm going to get it?". Sometimes I get a smile out of them.

    I also told all the nurses a dirty joke the minute I came out of my wisdom tooth removal. I love drugs.

  2. I know I'm a bit late in commenting and did not skip the newer of your posts, but oh how I can relate to this one...My latest scope: thankfully did NOT make a fool of myself this time around, opposed to the time before when I woke up right in the middle of things and said something obviously hilarious because everyone was laughing, even the doctor holding the scope, then I konked out again. oops. Wish I could remember. Or maybe the land of oblivion is a blessing. Great blog, anyhow, Sarah. I really enjoy checking in...always rolling on the floor laughing!