Conspiracy Therorists Say The Darndest Things....

Dolly is a huge conspiracy therorist. Every time I cross her path she is going on and on about something suspicious. Because...in case you weren't aware...she "was NOT born yesterday" and even if she was, she "would be able to tell that this is all cockamamie!"

No. She is not Sherlock Holmes or Magnum PI, these fervid detective skills are as natural to her as breathing. She just has a feeling, a sixth sense we'll say, for knowing when someone is pulling the wool over her eyes.

I have been taking notes and will now provide you with a list of things to be on the look out for. Far be it from me to keep this information from you. I would have guilt permanently tattooed on my heart if you were to be taken advantage of by some facility, and I could have saved you.

"Do not bother recycling. It is just a ploy by the DWP. See...you are required to rinse your recyclables clean in order to recycle them. You use WATER to do this rinsing. The more you recycle, the more water you use. The more water you use, the more money you are paying the DWP...and they aren't even really recycling all that trash anyhow! What do you think all that trash in the pacific ocean is? That's right...your recycling."

(After Liz quit) "You know...I bet you she stole so much stuff from us. She must have been plotting this for months and been stealing things here and there. Go look in the supply closet. I bet you she took a whole bunch of stuff. Make sure the 'unopened' boxes of pens are full. I just knew she was up to NO good."

"Obama is trying to KILL me! He is screwing up health care! And he is going to tax me so much that it wont even matter how rich I am! I am not going to be able to afford it! I wonder if this is all so John McCain cannot afford health care. Cindy McCain has more money than God! She can afford to bring that man back from the dead. What is Obama thinking? McCain 2012!"

(After my Grandfather informed her that his brother had passed away) "Well he wasn't dead when I last talked to him..."

"Well you know...swine flu was created by the terrorists. Al Qaeda knows how much marijuana us fat Americans buy from Mexico, so they gave it to those drug gang bangers to mix in with it."

"Never use credit cards. Always write checks or use cash. Otherwise you are being tracked...whatever you do...they are watching you."

"Email is evil. The government and whoever else saves everything you say on it, and then they will use it against you!" (No...I will not be telling her that I have a blog)

SO...moral of the story is...Your recycling is just wasting water AND money. Money that you are going to need when Obama tries to savagely murder you and your brother-in-law WHO (by the by) is able to talk on the phone from the other side...but he doesn't use email or credit cards so it is going to be really hard to prove it AND you would have taken notes of the conversation but Liz stole all the pens that are being thrown into the Pacific Ocean where Cindy McCain is building a memorial for her beloved John.

Don't ever say I didn't warn you.